Daaaamn. If he weren’t right there, I wouldn’t believe it – but Team “ItsoGregR” takes the match, 3-1!
The Glum and the Gregless
There can be only Greg
“In the style of Greg Rutkowski” pulls the ultimate Zig to this muscleman battle’s Zag. Team “A Dearth of a Certain Popular Fantasy Artist So Great That We No Longer Even Need to Say His Name Aloud” has been bulking up its musclemen this whole time, muscle by manly muscle, preparing for musclegeddon, and I was sure no muscle Greg could muster could muscle out the competition.
Muscle.
But instead of going big, Count Gregula goes for raw unadorned sexuality. Scratch that – perfectly adorned sexuality. Bachelor #NoGreg’s hairy-but-not-hairy-hairy chest is hot and all, but a shirt that’s five threads from bursting off? That is fire, son. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man rock a micro mini midi tankini with such rizz. And look! He’s already started peeling his… pleather boy shorts? Latex jockeys? PVC BVDs? I’m gonna go with “unmentionables.” He’s already started peeling his unmentionables down so you don’t have to strain yourself ripping them off with your teeth. How considerate!
He is what would happen in an alternate universe where The Hulk was this big green flabster, but whenever he got all horned up he turned into The Incredibly Sexy Bruce Banner.
He is what you would get if you gathered the world’s top mad scientists and told them to genetically engineer a perfect dreamboat croissant with the chestnut tresses and stage presence of Andrew W.K, Jon Bon Jovi, and Jim Morrison; the body of an Olympic Swimnastics diver carved by Michelangelo; and the raw, Jehovah-granted sexual magnetism of Prince, Freddie Mercury, and that one dude in college who made you realize that, deep down, maybe everyone is at least a little bit bi.
He is the alpha and the omega of man babes, the man whose milkshake brings all the everyone to his yard, the Hero of the Broletariat, Samson and Delightful, an Adonis without all the awkward incesty bits, ten pounds of sexy in a five-pound pair of hot pants.
He is… in the style of Greg Rutkowski.
The only Man Babe that could possibly beat our champion? A SlimeMan Babe. I know one that could beat him from several blocks away. With his REDACTED.
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